I’ve been crying lately, losing sleep over my dream trip to Nepal. For eight months I held on to this dream which kept me feel alive and inspired. Unfortunately due to uncontrollable circumstances, I had to postpone my trip indefinitely. My fantasy of trekking the mystical Everest region may have vanished this time but the hopes of making it a reality someday has not.
Story of my life…..
On a lighter note, I’d like to share something I found that revealed about my past: an old journal! One day I was frantically searching for something (which I can no longer remember what) but to my surprise I found my 1997 journal instead. I rarely keep things this long because I’m not sentimental in that regard, but now I’m glad I did. Reading through my journal, I realized how different my life was.
1997 was full of excitement. My husband and I traveled constantly, loving the expat life in Tokyo. He had a busy 1997, flying all over Asia on business trips. I didn’t tag along each time but I had a busy life of my own, mostly socializing with friends (having lunches out and discovering new places in the city).
In April of that year, we went to Beijing on vacation.
“Lots of taxi hustlers. Heard Celine Dion and Prince on the radio,” I wrote on our first day there. It’s interesting that I thought Beijing resembled Mexico City. I believe I pictured it with bikes everywhere but it was also congested with automobiles, just like any other big cities.
On our way to The Great Wall, I was relieved to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city, passing through small farming villages. I wrote: “Women gathered around, having small talks, with no regard for time. Life must be really simple for these folks.” I wonder now if life in Beijing is still that way after almost twenty years. With China’s economic boom, I highly doubt it.
“Great Wall was spectacular! It’s hard to believe we’re standing on a structure built thousands of years ago. At the same time, I thought of the thousands of peasants who suffered and died building the wall.”
Yeah, I’m not surprised if those pensive thoughts even crossed my mind. Sounds a lot like me–always reflecting on the deeper side of life. I can never relax and simply enjoy what’s in front of me. I always find guilt in any pleasure. π
We ran into my husband’s boss at the airport in Narita before boarding our plane to Beijing. He told us about a great Peking duck restaurant in Beijing and invited us to go with him for dinner. He was right about it being great because I still remember how much I loved the food. But I wouldn’t eat duck now. On my daily walks, I pass by the lake nearby that is often visited by ducks. Watching them go about their day gave me so much pleasure. Hence I can no longer justify killing them for food.
In the month of July, we were off to Europe for another vacation. Pondering on the great life I had then, I know why I’m so depressed now–unable to jetset anytime I please. Traveling is a big part of my life and it’s the reason why I became a flight attendant fresh out of college (even though my major was totally unrelated).
On our way to Madrid, we had a two hour layover in Amsterdam. Alhough we would stop there later for two nights coming back from Spain.
We spent most of our time in Spain touring the Andalucia region by bus. We used the company Pullmantur. I wonder if they’re still around.
In my journal I wrote,”long drive to CΓ³rdoba. It’s so beautiful! This is how I perceived Southern Spain. We saw the Mezquita. Words could not describe how I feel. We went on to Seville, had dinner at our hotel, Hotel Macarena, and saw a flamenco show by the Torre del Oro area.
In the morning, we did the city tour in Seville and stopped at the Piazza de Spagna where I bought fans, very typical Spanish.
Everything I’ve seen here is just so incredibly beautiful. We went strolling down by the Torre del Oro and had some drinks by the water.”
We visited Torremolinos, in Costa del Sol, which I didn’t particularly like. I loved the Alhambra in Granada. I thought that was impressive. We also stopped at the Straits of Gibraltar. According to what I wrote in my journal, going there felt like a waste of time. We were back in Madrid on August 4, did some shopping, and left the next day for Amsterdam.
I am guessing from what I wrote (above), I didn’t like Amsterdam as much. It felt scummy. “Prostitutes behind glass windows, drug shops, and all the scummiest people from all over the world are probably hanging out here.” Anyone can assume where we were–the Red Light District! I’m no longer that prude though. Tolerance is a quality I’ve acquired over time. Certainly a lot can change in nineteen years!
On October 31 we were off to Singapore. This was quite a memorable trip because I brought a pregnancy test kit with me. In the early morning hours in Singapore, I found out I was pregnant with my first son! The funny thing about this trip (and only because I was pregnant), I had developed a disdain for Asian food. I remember gagging when the Singapore rep took us to eat curry fish head, a must-have delicacy there. After that, I asked my husband to take me to American restaurants where I can eat bland foods for the rest of the trip. Hooters and Burger King became my go-to restaurants. It’s perplexing because I’ve always had an eclectic taste and eating the regional cuisine is something I always look forward when visiting a foreign country. Eating buffalo wings and burgers in Singapore is blasphemous! Surely I can blame it on the pregnancy. π
In December, we went to Manila, Philippines, to celebrate Christmas with my parents.
1997 surely was a great year of traveling for us. With the birth of my son the following year, life–with a baby–was not quite the same. But we had new experiences that were as equally gratifying–the love of a child.
I also noticed I don’t do handwritten journals anymore. Instead, I use my iPad. I hardly see my handwriting nowadays, which I think is sad. I still collect notebooks because they make me happy but I should make an effort to type less and write more.
Another thing I didn’t realize back then was that I had an amazing, mind-blowing experiences while living in Tokyo. Unfortunately you will never know how good you have it until it’s gone. When I look back at the things I complained about–the overcrowded subways, the language barrier (the difficulty of learning a new language that was completely foreign to me), and the peculiarity of the people–I realize now those things made living there more magical.
I’m always faced with difficult situations, experiencing the highs and the lows. I constantly battle with life’s unpredictable nature and to keep my sanity, I go for long walks, take deep breaths and reminisce the good times. Yes…especially the good times! Because they are a reminder that life doesn’t always suck.
wonderful post and enjoyed your reflections –
“Unfortunately you will never know how good you have it until itβs gone. When I look back at the things I complained aboutβ” ahhh – how nice to be reminded of this as we move through each day – sometimes what we have will later be golden maybe many times
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Don’t give up on Nepal!! Glad you found that journal though. Wow! What a story
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Thanks Alesia! I won’t give it up unless I’m too weak to hike it π
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Hi Sony! I agree with you completely about how reminiscing is a double edge sword. I try not to think about those that make me feel sad but because it’s there, engrained in my thoughts, unfortunately I suffer from PTSD now. Especially the memories of the hospital when my son was there, the death of my dad, the time I went home to be with my parents and unbeknownst to me it was going to be the last time I’ll ever see him again. I have regretted that I spent a lot of time with other people and not with him the whole two weeks I was there. While I’m typing this, I have tears in my eyes, still angry at myself. Anyway, those memories can’t linger in my thoughts or I will go insane. So I am most times in denial and only think about the good times.
I’m glad you will consider writing with a pen this weekend. I just bought a 2017 journal and I am going to try writing on it and fill it up. It’ll be one of my New Years resolution for next year.
Cheers to a beautiful life to you too, Sony!
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Oh…I had to read this before I go to sleep. I feel sad for the postponement but happy that it will push on. Just not now.
I am amazed at how you used that lamentation into something inspirational as this post. I suddenly felt nostalgic of home and the days when I write and keep journals. I wonder if my mother still keep those. More than anything are the good old days that came with those writings.
Reminiscing is a double edge sword. It makes me extremely happy and sad. Why do they always go together?
In spite of all that happened and what’s happening to you, it feels good to know that you have a perfect coping mechanism. You turn to nature, the good old times, and long walks…I unconsciously resort to those too when my tires are submerged in the deep.
Cheers to a beautiful life, Boots!
PS
I will reconsider writing using my ballpoint pen this weekend as opposed to typing.
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1997 sure sounds like it was a good year. So sorry to hear your Nepal trip had to be put off. I also had a family trip planned for next year but then realized I couldn’t make it work (budget-wise) so I can relate to your disappointment. But things happen for a reason and stop signs are often life’s ways of keeping us safe, so…I think it’ll work out for the best. Here’s hoping you’ll have more good times, both big and small ones, to look forward to and enjoy in the present. xx
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Thank you so much! Sorry to hear about your upcoming trip as well. Although things didn’t work out this time I’m sure we will find a way to make it happen in the future! Take care!
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Hey Boots, sorry to hear that Nepal has been put on hold, I know you were looking forward to it.
I love travelling, and understand the appeal. I haven’t done as much as you, but pre-kids my wife and I did a bit. Before starting a family we went to Egypt, and while there I remember half joking that “this was it for the next 20 years”, as we wouldn’t be able to do that in the same way any more. Between less money (same income levels but more people in the house), higher expenses due to having to take more people, and the restrictions of the school year, travelling with kids is infinitely more complicated.
In those early years it wasn’t a big deal. We were new parents, tackling that together, and kids tend to consume all your time anyhow. Then the boys got a bit older, and everything pretty much went to hell.
My wife wasn’t happy anymore, with life in general. She didn’t feel any fulfillment with me, or the family, and had a lot of regrets about “the road not taken”. She talked divorce, and wanted freedom to just “do what she wanted”. I was stunned, as she hadn’t given me any real warnings until she decided she wanted out. But I figured she was just kind of lost at the moment, and I just needed to stay supportive and we would get through this together.
Well, it’ll be 4 years this November since she told me about her unhappiness, and we’re still together – but not really, because she’s clearly unhappy and has completely checked out on me. A lot of days I wish I had just told her to go 4 years ago. I think it would have been a mistake she would regret, but as long as she “stays” I seem to just be seen as someone who is holding her back.
Anyhow, my point to all the back story…
I’ve got a buddy who burned out on his life as a social worker. He was tired of the grind of mon-fri in the office, and wanted to have the freedom to live how he wanted. In his mid to late 30s he quit, and moved away to become a white water rafting instructor. It was pretty shocking. Well, he did it for a few years and he loved it at first. It was everything he was missing. Freedom. Excitement. Then after a while that faded, and he found that it had turned into “just another job”. He still did it for a while, then ultimately moved back, and went back to being a social worker.
I asked him what was different. How did he handle it now, when he hated it before. He told me he had completely changed his mindset. He now realized that there was good and bad in all situations, and that there was no perfect job or perfect situation that would make him happy. Instead he now takes time to try and appreciate the good sides of everything, and tries to let go of the things that bothered him before.
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Hi Drew! I didn’t know that you and your wife are still together (sort of)? I can fully understand when women want their freedom but I’m not sure if it’s enough reason to pack up and leave those you love. Just like your buddy’s realization that freedom and excitement weren’t enough to fulfill him, I already knew that. I know what I’d miss out on if I left my family just so I can have the freedom to travel, etc. and that’s why divorce has never been an option for me to get to change my life. I’m quite happy having them, my husband and my two boys in my life. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything. BUT sometimes there are days when I’m tempted to say WTF I’m leaving (I mean just on a trip) but I have way too much obligation at home that I’d feel guilty if I did go.
Anyway, thanks for the very insightful comment Drew. I really enjoyed reading it. Your buddy’s story proved that people think it’s always greener on the other side. I’ll keep that in mind when I’m feeling the blues.
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Aw, I’m sure you will make it to Nepal one day! I think your journal and past pictures are amazing!
I would love to see The Great Wall of China!
http://www.thetalelighttrekkers.com
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Oh thanks so much! It’s been 19 years since and I’d love to go back again as well!
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Hi Boots.. It’s been a while! I’m really sorry to hear that you cannot make it to Nepal this year. I know how disappointed you must be. But, I do believe that you will realize this dream when the time is right. I was thinking about you and your planned trip recently. I was texting with my wife’s cousin who married a girl from Kathmandu, and now lives there, teaching English. They are expecting their first child in October. I also enjoyed your pictures of Europe. I was working and traveling in Europe in the late 90’s as well. You’ve inspired me to ‘pick up the pen’ and start writing again. Prayers to you and to your family. – Larry
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Hi Larry! Yes it’s been a while! How wonderful that your wife’s cousin is going to have their first child in Kathmandu. My second son was born in October.
Pls blog more often. I haven’t seen any lately. Also there’s magic in writing with a pen don’t you think? Anyway take care Larry and thanks for reading my blog post.
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I’m surrounded in my life with friends and family who were born in October! My wife, my childhood best friend, and my only daughter all have October birthdays. Wonderful to know that your second was born in October too! And, there is something rather magical about sitting down to a diary, or a journal with only a pen. It appears that you were keeping a journal back in 1997. Open and honest journals like yours are gifts to be treasured.
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Never mind I just read your most recent blog. I always love reading your writing so hopefully it won’t be too much of a burden to write more often and always using the computer (I know what you mean though!)
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It’s good to be back. In the early part of the year, I was experimenting with different business ideas and different writing topics. What I really needed was to step away for a while. Well, out of the blue I had a company buy my business domain. So, I had a good reason to step away for a while. I took a couple of fun trips this summer, one to Mammoth Cave and one to Yosemite and the west coast. I’ll write about those trips soon. I look forward to your posts!
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I’d love to see your Yosemite post. We were scheduled to go there in December of 2015 but my son relapsed from his cancer in April. Anyway, with my older son going to school in California we will have plenty of chances to go in the next four years I’m sure! Take care Larry!
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I am sorry to hear that you had to cancel your trip. I am sure, though, that things will work out for good and that, someday, in one way or another, you will get to experience what you missed from this. I pray for things to start looking up for you and your family.
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Thank you for the prayers Jay! I need it!
Anyway, hopefully next year I will get to go. If not, I’ll keep trying every year π
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Hello Boots, I have been thinking about you and waiting for your next post and here it is with your news. I am sorry you have had to postpone your trek in Nepal but that whatever reason you have had to change your plans, I hope it works out and you and your beautiful boys and husband are ok.
This is a lovely post and it is so great that you kept the diary, for the very reasons you said. Seeing how we have changed, jolting memories. I guess now we have Facebook ( if you use it) but there is nothing like beautiful handwritten words.I used to have beautiful handwriting and now it is atrocious because of being on the computer all the time.
It is lovely seeing your photos of you as a young woman. You should do a few more posts of your past travels. I love the shot of you looking out over the Wall of China and your little diary and all the entries. Don’t throw the 2017 one out when you have finished with it.
You will get to Nepal, I am sure of it, when the time is right for you.When the big picture gets too much, focus on each day.When that gets too much focus on an hour at a time and just keep breathing. Keep walking, watching the ducks and watching over your boys, all three of them (husband is number three).
If you want to drop in for an email chat my email is louise.terranoa@hotmail.com
I’m thinking of you Boots and sending lots positive thoughts out into the universe for you.
Louise x
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Thank you so much Louise. Your beautiful words made me tear up. As sad as I am, I know it’s for the best I postpone Nepal for now. I’d like to go there when life at home is more stable. My boys are doing well. We have setback along the way, medically speaking, but nothing that can’t be handled.
You just gave me a great idea. I will buy a journal that has all the dates for 2017 so I will have two journals that are 20 years apart! I wish I can do old posts of my travels but I may not remember a lot that happened in those travels. So I’m lucky I found my 1997 journal and was able to read my thoughts then. Now I know how important to record everything and actually keep them! π
I am crossing my fingers and praying that someday I can do everything that you’ve done in Nepal. Who knows I may have courage to go all the way to the base camp π ππΌ
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You have plenty of time and you will get there one day when the time is right. π
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Yes when the time is right π
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I am so sorry to hear about the Nepal trip π¦ I hope it is a matter of time and when the time is right, you will go on your dream travel!
1997 sounds a great travel year for you and your husband π I love travel journals, your handwriting is way better than mine and certainly much more organized! My travel journal is totally chaotic and messy π
Hope all is well with your family and wishing you a wonderful weekend!
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Thank you Indah! I’m not giving up. I know one day I’ll get to write about it but now isn’t the right time.
I felt my journal was a mess too! I miss handwritten journals. It’ll be my 2017 resolution – to use my handwriting more often! Take care Indah and I hope your arm is feeling better.
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Thank you! My arm is better now – sometimes I still experience pain, but not as bad as before π Hope you are having a geat week!
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I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to cancel the Nepal trip. I admit to wanting to do a similar trip but have concerns thus it would’ve been a pleasure seeing it through your eyes. Unfortunately life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to π¦ Wishing you well, and hope you find another venture that’ll make you smile.
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Thank you Ingrid! I am still hoping I can go to Nepal next year. My life is just unpredictable at the moment but I am confident things will get better.
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