In December of 2015, I was so relieved the year was coming to an end and was waiting desperately for the new year. If you’re familiar with my life story, then you know that 2015 was pretty brutal. I had spent most of the year in tears. But I didn’t lose hope and still believed that the sun will eventually shine through those dark clouds.
I terribly wished for 2016 to be a much better year. Now that 2016 is over, I can’t quite label it as a great year but I can’t dismiss it as a terrible year either. There’s something amiss about 2016. Perhaps it’s all the setbacks or the disappointments I’ve endured. However, I’m still profoundly grateful that despite how challenged I felt (and continue to feel), I am still fortunate to be able to count my blessings.
Most importantly, my son beat cancer! For so long he lived a life of frailty, yet with his determination to get stronger and healthier, he was able to participate in a league of flag football for the spring season! It was always exciting to watch him from the sidelines, to cheer for him when he catches the ball and run for a touchdown, or simply just run a few yards. He’s also back in school full time (currently in 6th grade), managed to get all A’s, and was recently the class Spelling Bee winner!
My older son is now well settled in college and has great friends he regularly spends time with. He quickly realized that Stanford is no place for slackers, therefore, he had to work three times harder. He’s been faced with new challenges, learning more about himself and the world, or just the simple task of knowing how to navigate his way around the campus in a bicycle everyday! In the beginning of December, he fell off his bike and had a mild concussion! But thank goodness everything turned out fine. He came home for three weeks during the Christmas holiday, and I already miss him just minutes after he left!
Last summer, we adopted the most beautiful dog, a shih tzu. My older son wanted a Tibetan name since he thought shih tzus were originally from Tibet (their origin may actually be from China). We all agreed on the name Tenzin. My younger son based it on a character in a video game he played and for me, after Tenzing Norgay, one of the first men to summit Mt. Everest. Later, we also found out that Tenzin is the Dalai Lama’s name (I hope that’s not sacrilegious)!
But in spite of all those beautiful moments, something was still missing. There were mornings when I didn’t want to get up, thinking there’s nothing to look forward to. I lacked the motivation to do anything. I lost my enthusiasm even on the things I used to enjoy. Since my son’s relapse, I feel that I haven’t been able to pick up the pieces and completely move on. I’ve reached rock bottom once before and I couldn’t believe I was once again subjected to the same fate, as if the whole universe has conspired to punish me. I became disillusioned and lost all faith. Loneliness became my favorite companion.
As time slowly passed, life got better and easier, yet the loneliness stayed. Our sad journey led me to a life I didn’t desire, depriving me mostly of my freedom. I can’t travel as often as I wish. I’ve been home bound for most of the year now. And stuck in Texas, I realized I don’t enjoy living in this state (hoping I can go back to California someday). I’ve also been constantly worried about my sons and hate that they have lived (and continue to live) a life full of struggles and difficult challenges.
I feel empty, lonely, and sometimes worthless. It is exhausting to be me.
Although I am fully aware I can’t keep venturing down the road of unhappiness. I want to be able to survive my loneliness, on my own, without chemical help. There are certain outcomes I can’t control but I am confident I can help myself with simple ways to beat the sadness that’s been looming over me. I haven’t been the same person I used to be. In fact, my older son mentioned to me that I’ve changed. I desperately want that old person back, not only for everyone’s sake, but my own.
So I made a list of personal goals for the year 2017. They are not a guarantee to completely take away my loneliness, but hopefully help minimize the monotony of my everyday existence.
1) Exercise more. I haven’t gone to the gym in quite sometime. I also stopped going for long brisk walks by myself (other than walking my dog). I need to take time for exercise or long walks, on my own, in solitude.
2) Read at least one book a month. I have a lot of books I purchased on my iBooks but have not had a chance to read them yet. Reading is a mental stimulation that can surely help reduce stress.
3) Write everyday. This is something I’d like to do on a regular basis. If I’m not blogging, I need to keep a journal, and write a long one each day. Writing is a useful tool for expressing your thoughts and by doing so, can alleviate anxiety.
4) Give myself treats. Giving yourself treats is important because you can’t always expect others to do it for you. I would like to do this monthly–whether it’s a nice lunch, a nice dress, or a good book–these simple treats can make any day special.
5) Meditate. An hour a day of solitude and meditation will help me calm my nerves and perhaps find that inner peace I’ve been searching for all my life!
The above list are all within realistic expectations and can be incorporated in my daily life. But I would also like to challenge myself beyond my comfort zone (something within reach of course). Mark Zuckerberg’s 2017 personal challenge has inspired me to do the same (his challenge: A Year of Travel–the idea is to visit 12 new places you’ve never been, meet someone new and learn about their life. The places don’t need to be far away. A half-hour drive, bus,or train ride to meet people in a community you don’t normally interact with also counts).
However, I’d like to focus my personal challenge to 12 adventures–new places and/or new experiences: 1) going to a new place, by plane, train, automobile or even on foot, and not necessarily far from where I live; 2) by experiencing something new, something I have never done before–whether taking a class for personal growth, learning a new craft, or participating in something within the community.
I’m very excited to embark on these challenges and hopefully I won’t disappoint myself! I will keep you all posted. How about you? Any goals or personal challenges this year? I would love to hear it!
To my dear friends, happy 2017 and may this year bring you joy, love, and inner peace! ❤️
This is great list. I like the everyday list and the twelve adventures idea.
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I’m glad that you have some wonderful goals to try and meet this 2017. I can’t imagine how hard the past few years have been for you. I wish you all the very best and hope you smile much more
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Thanks so much Ting! I hope that 2017 has been good so far for you! And your family! Take care of that cute li’l monkey and one coming up? I haven’t seen a blog from you lately so I haven’t heard anything new! Take care and wishing you all the best in 2017!
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I am so inspired by the post, Boots. (Sorry for the delay.)
I will be turning to you through this post if I get to feel like I’m experiencing the worst. I could just imaging the amount of courage you had show during that situation…You’re a super mom!
At times, I really forget that there are more people out there who are undergoing or got past a far life-sucking experience than whatever I gorged my sentiment into. Thank you for reminding me of that fact.
I also adore the items in your list of personal goals there. I got three to add to mine from your list: write everyday, give myself treats (MORE), and meditate.
All the best for you in 2017, Boots.
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Aww Sony! Such is life…we all go through bad days, some are worse or better than others. I learned about the degree of pain while talking to a Filipino guy who works at the market I shop at. He told me that his wife left him for a younger man while he was sending money to her. And worse, she in return spent his hard earned money on her new man. I told him his problem is easier than mine. He can just go and find another woman of his dreams while my problem is my son’s life’s on the line. He told me ,”Pero you can still feel yung sakit kahit na hindi kasing grabe ng iba.” I learned then that pain is pain regardless of the intensity of the problem.
So quit beating yourself up when you think you’re being unreasonable. Take care Sony and all the best in this new year!
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I hope you will be successful with all your goals and I wish you the best for 2017 ! It does not seem unreasonable, and I I’m sure you will manage to do it !
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Thank you so much. I’m crossing my fingers I can accomplish most of my goals and personal challenge. Have a great year yourself!
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Thank you !
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I am so glad to hear both your sons are doing well. Now is the time to focus on you mama! Good luck. We are rooting for you.
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Aww thank you so much!! Focusing on me is definitely my goal this year. I’d like to be happy again 😊. Happy 2017! Take care!
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Takes guts to admit it…
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You and your family have been through a lot these past few years. Hopefully this year is a time for you to refresh and rejuvenate. Pls note, you are not alone living with sadness and loneliness, but not all of us are as brave as you to write so eloquently about it. I love the photo of you reading… full of emotion. Wishing you much joy this year.
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Hi Ingrid! Thank you for reminding me that writing about one’s loneliness is an act of bravery. Although I didn’t quite think I was being brave (I suppose just being candid about my feelings). But I trust my blogging friends to carry me through this sad times. (I don’t even write this on my Facebook account 🙂).
Anyway, sending you all the best in this new year! Hope you’re enjoying your RV life still!
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Hi Boots, I’m both gladdened and saddened by this post. Glad to see that you are still writing, progressing in your personal journey, and setting goals for this year. But also saddened to hear that you are dealing with stretches of unhappiness as well.
I’ve been following your journey for what, two years now? Maybe more? Not sure, but I have from my little digital window into your life and world I have confidence in you. The Boots I know is a great person who has a lot of reasons to be proud of how she’s handled some difficult times.
All the best for 2017!
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Yes I think it’s been about two years now that we’ve followed each other’s journey through our blogs. (I’m a witness to how much your blog has grown and I really love what you write). I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your confidence in me and I’m hoping 2017 is going to be a year of laughter! Sending you all the best as well, Drew!
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Keep strong – I hope 2017 brings you wonderful things!! So glad to hear your younger son is doing so well.
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Thanks, Joy! Hope the new year is going to be a much better one. Happy new year, wishing you the best travels this year! ☺️
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Happy new year Boots! You write so well, so I hope you get to write more this 2017, but either way, be kind to yourself, treat yourself, take care of yourself. Hugs from Cebu.
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Happy new year, Gaya! My writing is only half as good as yours!! Thanks so much! I will surely try to write more and be kind to myself 😌. By the way, I haven’t heard much from you these days. Pls keep blogging!
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Here is to a Happy New Year for you Boots, a kindred spirit, a seeker, and a friend. I always look forward to reading about your thoughts, your travels, and your life. I wish you the best in all things.
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Happy new year to you too, Larry! Thank you so much for your kind words. You have become an inspiration! I love reading about your thoughts as well so please write more often!
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