I wake up in a somber mood everyday, with no motivation to start my day. I don’t do well with routine and abhor it. The lockdown has validated this feeling and I loathe it even more now since I’ve lived a pretty routined lifestyle the past four months. But I managed to get out of bed everyday for one thing: my daily walks.

My daily walks are what get me going on most days. I love to walk especially on cloudy or gloomy days. Ironically, a great day for me is usually when it’s gloomy, especially in Texas. The sun is constantly shining in your face coupled with the intense heat, it becomes unbearable to walk in the summer. The other day, I took the path to the lake and noticed a red cardinal following me. I read that when you see a red cardinal, someone in the spiritual world is sending you a message. Spotting the bird gave me a sense of calm, hopefully sending me a message that everything is going to be alright.

It’s a good sign….

Because I’ve been losing faith in America lately. Not only with the covid situation but also with its political climate. To say, ‘living in America is hard’ is an understatement. Living in America, for me anyway, is a train wreck, a plane crash, or a head on collision. I had been on life’s incessant rollercoaster ride and the last thing I need is a country that’s also plummeting to the ground. I’ve no energy to pick up my own life’s broken pieces, let alone mend a deeply troubled country. With that said, I’ve been toying on the idea of moving to another country. People tell me every country has its own problems too. That’s true and that’s why I want to move to a country where I don’t speak the language. There’s truth to the old adage, ignorance is bliss. When we lived in Japan, I didn’t know any of the country’s problems. Instead, I was able to fully emerge on the culture and truly enjoyed living there.

I’ve been recently binging on a YouTube channel called Spain Revealed by James Blick. As the title obviously implies, the show is all about Spain-– where to eat, where to go, what to do, etc. Spain is definitely my top choice to move to. My mom and my older son are the only ones who welcome this idea. My husband ignores me when I talk about it. My younger son says he can’t even go out for a haircut, let alone move to another country. When I mention it to my friends, they just laugh and probably do not believe me. Heck I don’t even think my therapist does! But I have been seriously looking at the possibilities of moving there. As a Filipino citizen (I have dual citizenship), it’ll only take two years of legal residence to be able to apply for a Spanish citizenship (reason being is that the Philippines was Spain’s former colony). But there’s really no need for me to become a Spanish citizen. I only need to become a legal resident and I found out the easiest way for me to obtain legal residence is through the Golden visa (acquiring a property worth €500,000 or more). But that’s another story to tell for another time.

Thanks to Covid19, I am convinced with my heart, soul, and mind that I can no longer live in a country where politics reign supreme and matter more than its own citizens. Everything has become politicized including wearing a mask! The government has handled the pandemic so poorly and some of the states, especially red states such as Texas, reopened the economy without any plan in order. No enforcement of PPEs and the number of infections continue to spike up. As of late, hospital beds in ICUs in Dallas are completely full and the governor of Texas is now “pleading” people to wear masks. Instead of pleading, why not enforce? In fact, this should be federally enforced if it means our first wave is looking at a long extended period. But nope, nothing from the top and instead Trump held his indoor rally in Oklahoma with thousands of unmasked attendees. America is becoming the world’s laughing stock.

The EU, with a population of about 450 million, is seeing new confirmed cases of 4,000 per day compared to US, with a population of 330 million and 24,000 of new cases each day. Spain was one of the countries that was hit hard by Covid19 but because it was handled well, it’s now slowed down.

Above is Spain’s daily graph on their Covid19 situation versus the United States below:

The Trump administration is also another reason I desperately want to leave. I can no longer stomach the division in this country. The last few years have been insufferable and I can’t afford this deep- seated hatred for anyone. It’s my cue to get the hell out. Don’t get me wrong though. I will always love America. She will always be the country I’ll call home. America will always be carved in my heart. But sadly over the past years, it’s no longer the same country I once fell in love with. I don’t want to break up with her permanently. I don’t want to hate her completely but she and I need a break from each other, for me to possibly and continue to love her wholeheartedly.

In the meantime, I just need to get away from America to heal my heart.

The biggest question is how the hell will I get the F* out of the United States without every country shutting its border on US citizens? I’ve been looking at ways to escape and hopefully I can get my ass outta here sometime soon. I’ve been watching for daily updates on any country in Europe to reopen their gates especially to Americans. Right now, it doesn’t look too promising.

I really hope I can leave at the end of August. I need a break from here. I am praying, praying, praying for God to hear me out (I promise I’ll clean up my foul mouth if my prayers are answered) 😂. I am fervently calling out on the spirit world to listen to my bellow of desperation. Perhaps next time I spot a red cardinal, I’ll get more clarity from my spiritual messengers, sending me a sign that my world will get better soon!